NRA Introduces ‘Armed Dialogue’

The NRA announced today it would begin calling gun violence ‘armed dialogue’.

The change comes as more and more gun violence is giving fire arms a bad name. ‘Violence is too strong a word’ says an NRA member. ‘Guns is smart too, so that’s why it’s like talkin’ – like a dialect, or whatever that word was…’ he continued.

The NRA’s Eddie the Eagle character will start promoting the new terminology in schools across the South.  It is hoped that the children won’t feel as scared by guns having the knowledge that it’s not only ok to talk about guns, but to talk WITH guns.

“Guns are very multifaceted and functional tools of a modern society” raves Ted Nugent – a fervent supporter of the ‘armed dialogue’ terminology. He elaborated: “Weapons give a voice to those that are oppressed by society in general; with guns we make our voices heard. And if that means a couple people die for freedom, well that’s ok with me.”

It is unknown how Donald Trump feels about it, but sources close to his campaign have signaled his support for ‘armed dialogue’.

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Vatican Gives Details on Clothes in Heaven

After the Pope recently stated that pets also go to heaven the masses have sought confirmation of another burning question: what are clothes like in heaven? The answer is clear: modest yet modern.

“We have recently confirmed that there is indeed a heavenly fashion police,” said a Vatican media representative. “It’s all about modesty, but Christ is well aware of modern clothing styles and has allowed for those in heaven to look their best – so as to not shock newcomers,” he continued.

It’s common knowledge from recent depictions of heaven that men can wear a variety of sweaters and corduroy pants. Women commonly wear modest white or blue full length summer dresses. Jesus himself chooses to retain the (very) old fashioned Galilean Jew look from around the time of his passing – but his this is no mistake: if Jesus looked different than his portraits, people might think he was an imposter and just ignore him; and Jesus hates being ignored – especially in heaven.

“If you lived to be 25 you can wear those clothes or more modern ones. We aren’t sure what baptized babies wear but unbaptized babies are in hell, so you don’t see those around,” commented the media representative. When asked why this issue has remained so contentious for so long he commented, “If people thought too much about things like this they might think their own ideas of heaven are silly – and we can’t have that.”

Heavenly Bodies Program: Tithes for Prison Sex Forgiveness

The self-proclaimed ‘toughest sheriff in America’, Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona, introduced a partnership with Grand Canyon University (a private Christian college) in which tithes for prison sex absolution will be offered by a local parish, reportedly, a la carte.

Sheriff Arpaio commented “We have come to realize that there is a conflict between the newfound spirituality and reliance on homosexual gratification in our jails and prisons by inmates.” He continued “You see it clearly says in Leviticus 18:22: ‘You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female’; but our inmates still clearly enjoy gay sex and other parts of the Bible – especially the parts about forgiveness – that’s where our new partnership comes in. It will allow prisoners who earn money during incarceration to set some of it aside according to their sexual activity as a tithe for later absolution.”

According to a document released to the media, hand jobs go for $1, oral sex for $2.50, and anal sex for $5 per act. It will be important for prisoners to keep a journal of which act they did how many times so their souls can later be saved. The anonymous local parish will receive 90% of the funds, with 10% going back to the state for processing fees.

“It’s our duty as God-fearing people to help save the souls of our inmates,” says Arpaio. The state hopes to raise $1M through the new program.

Mitt Romney Presents “The Cosmology Experience”

Following in the footsteps of well-known mainstream Christian endeavors in public relations like the Ark Encounter and Creation Museum, avowed Mormon Mitt Romney today announced his own Cosmology Experience.

A location has yet to be selected for the site but some details of the project have already been leaked to the public. The main attraction will be a device, which resembles a large telescope, which instead of reflectors has reels, based on the popular Fisher Price Viewmaster toy. To explain why the reels are necessary we talked to a research scientist from Brigham Young University who, on condition on anonymity, said the device is based on a new cosmological theory called “angelic selection.” This theory is based on the prosperity gospel.

He explained “Things that make you wealthy are rare. So the rarer something is the more angelic it is. Coincidently, most things that are rare are also shiny, like gold or diamonds – or in this case more luminous. We know that celestial bodies that are only 9,000 light years away are both rare and luminous as compared to the over 99.9% of the rest of the universe. Therefore, they are more angelic – the rest of the universe is more demonic.”

So based on angelic selection the BYU scientists posit it is not only ok to remove all non-angelic celestial bodies from standard images (say from the Hubble space telescope), it is their obligation. This way visitors to the Cosmology Experience can be presented with “pure” starlight, avoiding “demonic” starlight altogether. Since such a process cannot be done in real time, the images are to be stored on reels and presented through the viewfinder. “This is the most practical solution,” the scientist explained.

One can extrapolate from the theory of angelic selection that since more than 99.9% of the universe can safely be ignored, dark matter and dark energy can also safely be skipped over. There will also be a planetarium on the premises featuring the celestial body Kolob. Mormon theorists cannot agree if Kolob is a planet or a star – “We only know that it is angelic and that it is there,” one scientist commented.

The entire project will reportedly cost $5 million to complete. Construction will begin in 2016.

Pope to Atheists: Quoting Bible Sacrilegious

In the wake of the Charlie Hebdo attacks Pope Francis has stated that we have no right to criticize religion; especially when citing the Bible.

“The Bible is holy, no matter what it might say,” said the Pope. He continued “Since I’m the closest thing there is to God, it matters only what I say the Bible says; not so much what is actually written there. You have to have faith in the Bible itself, and believe that it is good, that’s a central tenant of Christianity. So when these atheists blatantly disregard faith in the Word of God it’s sacrilegious!”

A cardinal close to the pope had this to add “We are kind of stuck with it [the Bible] how it is. If it wasn’t for Revelations 22:18-19 we might have some leeway.” For those not familiar with the passage, please read the following:

I testify to everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: if anyone adds to them, God will add to him the plagues which are written in this book;

and if anyone takes away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God will take away his part from the tree of life and from the holy city, which are written in this book

The cardinal said in closing “As much as we dream about it, the Pope would never remove anything from Revelations, or any other part of the Bible! So it’s paramount that faith in the Word of God be upheld – no matter the cost.”

Rocker Mustaine Wants Kids to Hate Him

Many people find Megadeth main man Dave Mustaine disagreeable enough already; but in a shocking turn of events Mustaine wants his kids to do the same – to please Jesus.

“It’s all right there in the Bible, check out what Christ says in Luke 14:26!” says Mustaine. For those readers not familiar with the Good Book here is the passage:

If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.

Mustaine has two children: Justis (22) and Electra (16). Neither child could be reached directly for comment.

Mustaine has detailed his Christianity in his autobiography Mustaine: A Heavy Metal Memoir. There have reportedly been conflicts of interest with other bands (black metal / satanic) who Mustaine does not want on the same bill as Megadeth. It’s pretty clear he takes religion very seriously. The request presented to his children to actually hate him though, is striking.

“I pray every day that my kids hate me… so they can go to heaven,” says Mustaine. Recently departed guitarist Chris Broderick was quoted as saying “At least two people get to go to heaven for hating Dave.”

Plainville Congregation Sues Jesus Over Earthquakes

James Tuffy, a lawyer representing the congregation of Our Lady Mary church in Plainville, CT filed paperwork today to begin proceedings against Jesus of Nazareth, their Lord and Savior, citing damaging misuse of earthquakes. A cease and desist letter has already been sent to the pope in Vatican City. 11 mild earthquakes have occurred in or near the town in the last week.

When asked why they have named Jesus in the motion, Tuffy responded “According to our insurance adjuster, this is officially an Act of God. It’s pretty clear where the blame lies.” He continued “Jesus is alive, not just in our hearts, but really.” It’s unclear where Jesus is hiding, for this reason communication has been directed to the Vatican.

“We just want to make clear that Jesus is real,” said Tuffy. He continued “Successful litigation of Jesus would end all debate about the existence of God – and bring some much needed income to Our Lady Mary. Oh, and bring an end to the earthquakes too” Jesus could not be reached for comment (either through prayer or the Vatican).