Following in the footsteps of well-known mainstream Christian endeavors in public relations like the Ark Encounter and Creation Museum, avowed Mormon Mitt Romney today announced his own Cosmology Experience.
A location has yet to be selected for the site but some details of the project have already been leaked to the public. The main attraction will be a device, which resembles a large telescope, which instead of reflectors has reels, based on the popular Fisher Price Viewmaster toy. To explain why the reels are necessary we talked to a research scientist from Brigham Young University who, on condition on anonymity, said the device is based on a new cosmological theory called “angelic selection.” This theory is based on the prosperity gospel.
He explained “Things that make you wealthy are rare. So the rarer something is the more angelic it is. Coincidently, most things that are rare are also shiny, like gold or diamonds – or in this case more luminous. We know that celestial bodies that are only 9,000 light years away are both rare and luminous as compared to the over 99.9% of the rest of the universe. Therefore, they are more angelic – the rest of the universe is more demonic.”
So based on angelic selection the BYU scientists posit it is not only ok to remove all non-angelic celestial bodies from standard images (say from the Hubble space telescope), it is their obligation. This way visitors to the Cosmology Experience can be presented with “pure” starlight, avoiding “demonic” starlight altogether. Since such a process cannot be done in real time, the images are to be stored on reels and presented through the viewfinder. “This is the most practical solution,” the scientist explained.
One can extrapolate from the theory of angelic selection that since more than 99.9% of the universe can safely be ignored, dark matter and dark energy can also safely be skipped over. There will also be a planetarium on the premises featuring the celestial body Kolob. Mormon theorists cannot agree if Kolob is a planet or a star – “We only know that it is angelic and that it is there,” one scientist commented.
The entire project will reportedly cost $5 million to complete. Construction will begin in 2016.
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